Creating a Conscious Relationship

When we first enter a relationship we usually think that if we’ve met the right person then everything will naturally fall into place. We see our perfect scenario unfolding in front of us and imagine our happily ever after. Then, when the cracks begin to appear, we are horrified.

Sure, we may not expect it to be without the odd hiccup, but if you are ‘soul mates’ then these things should work themselves out. Right?

Wrong! Too often relationships that start strong begin to fray at the seams due to misunderstandings and miscommunications. The expectation that your partner should know what you need and how to meet those needs inevitably leads to upset and frustration.

The reality is we are all unique individuals, sculpted by many different factors that lead us to see the world through our own special lens. These factors include; our gender, our upbringing, our environments, our culture, and many more. All of these elements combine to create a unique individual that is going to have different needs, different ways of doing things, and different emotional reactions to the next person. To expect someone to intuitively understand all that you are is inviting disaster.

‘So many couples drift apart because they are not consciously creating the relationship they want’

If you really want your relationship to flourish, it’s so important to communicate clearly what your needs are and why they are important to you. Then listen to your partner and try to understand their needs and motivations. If they are not good at expressing themselves then observe them and ask them pertinent questions that will draw what you need from them.

This is what I call a ‘conscious relationship’. So many couples drift apart because they are not consciously creating the relationship they want. This can involve some discipline and teamwork, but the results will be well worth it.

So, how can you go about creating a conscious relationship? Here are 7 tips to help you:

  1. Be curious. Ask your partner questions that help you to understand their world a little better. And really listen to their answers.
  2. Practice Empathy. Try your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and see things from their point of view. Statements such as “I can imagine how hard that must have been for you” when your partner shares a traumatic event from their past can be highly soothing and connective.
  3. Be honest. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Instead, express them in a way that your partner can understand how and why you are feeling a certain way without feeling blamed or judged. Do this by starting the conversation with “I feel ……” rather than “you make me feel ……”, and then be specific about what you need to sooth that feeling.
  4. Make requests not demands. Making a demand gives your partner only 2 options; to resist or submit. Requesting what you need is much more likely to get the outcome you desire.
  5. Let go of the need to be right. Opening yourself up to the possibility that your view may not necessarily be the only way to look at things can be very beneficial. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s view of things, but by not dismissing them they will feel heard and supported.
  6. Understand your values. Taking the time to learn each other’s highest values and why they are so important to each of you is a really powerful process. It will help you to understand what triggers each other, and what motivations are behind your behaviours.
  7. Never make assumptions. Assuming that you know why your partner is behaving as they are, or that they will see things how you see them, is extremely dangerous. It’s so important to always ask your partner how they are feeling and to try to understand the reasons behind why they are acting the way they are (hint: it’s often not what you think!).

This new era of the conscious relationship allows us a wonderful opportunity to create a relationship that continually develops both ourselves as individuals, and also together as a couple. However, creating such a relationship involves taking a leap into the unknown and trusting that you and your partner will be there to catch each other when you inevitably fall. If you can achieve this then you will truly have a lifelong happy and healthy relationship!


Matt Glover is a relationship expert with Happy and Healthy Relationships. Matt is available for online consultations and is offering discounts for anyone struggling during this difficult period. For more information, visit  or contact Matt on 0416 211 424, or email

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